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BDSM - fetish and bdsm sado masochism sex guide

We should like to make clear that none of the material on this page advocates any kind of non-consensual behaviour. What is described is a variety of ways for lovers to enjoy one another, if and only if they both want to and both give their consent. Therefore, any and all references to ‘BDSM’ activities specifically apply to consensual behaviour only and nothing else is intended or implied.

Definitions

The easy part first:
B&D = "bondage & dominance" or "bondage & discipline."
S&M = "sadism & masochism."
D&S = "dominance & submission."

Some people enjoy submitting to another person, placing himself or herself under the power of another, in a sexual context. It can be a very hot thing for someone to say to you, "I'm yours. Use my body for your pleasure." This is D&S; one person is dominating, the other submitting. Slave/master/mistress. D&S is an erotic power game, where both people are getting off--one on the thrill of controlling, the other on the thrill of being controlled. This is also where the terms "top" and "bottom" come in; the top is, roughly, the dominant; the bottom is, roughly, the submissive.

What do Mistresses and Slaves do with each other? Well, one possibility is that a Mistress ties the Slave up in some manner, which directly and physically puts the Slave at the Mistresses mercy, and then the Mistress plays with the Slave, teasing, seducing, frustrating and hopefully, finally satisfying. This is a bondage & dominance sort of game. Some people enjoy playing with punishment. "You've been bad and now I have to tie you up and spank you!" That's bondage & discipline.

Then there's the sort of game described by S&M--"sadism and masochism". Whips, canes, nipple clamps, all the wonderful things that are designed to cause, in greater or lesser degree, pain. It can be a powerful thing to submit to someone else who wants to hurt you; it's a fantastic gesture of trust. Pain is not really pain anymore in an S&M game; it becomes overwhelmingly intense stimulation, which when administered by a skilled Mistress can bring a submissive to entirely new heights of ecstasy. Sometimes the D&S aspect becomes secondary to the sensual trip; you don't have to enjoy obeying another's commands to enjoy being tied up and whipped! And of course, pain (whether light or heavy) is only one sort of sensation; there are many others, and all of them can be lots of fun to play with.

SM has definite connotations of theatre. The fact that you are a submissive while you're playing sexually does not mean you are a pushover in real life, nor does being a dominant while playing mean that you are an overbearing egotist. These are roles that you can play; you are in some sense an actor.

Hence the concept of a ‘scene’. A scene is a particular interaction between a group of players, usually revolving around a Submissive. It's not a formal concept, just a handy way to describe the action. "That was the hottest whipping scene I've ever seen!" "Our last scene really pushed me, Mistress; I've never felt like that before." Usually a scene has a momentum of its own: the Mistress will begin whipping your bottom (or whatever) and you'll both be fantastically into it, one or both of you comes/peaks/starts getting tired, and you wind down and rest for a while and talk about what worked and what didn't, about how the scene was for you.

One of the thrills of SM is that it can stretch your limitations. If you enjoy this sort of play, you can naturally find yourself trying more and more new things, accepting greater and greater levels of sensation, doing and feeling more than you've ever done or felt before. But the process is slow and gradual, and people are not telepathic. It may be that you are the Submissive in a whipping scene, and your Mistress is whipping you, and suddenly it doesn't feel good anymore!! And you want her to STOP!!!

That is what a safeword is: a word that means, "This isn't working! This scene is going wrong somehow! Please stop!" A safeword needs to be taken seriously. Sometimes you may be playing with a Mistress you don't know that well, and if they do something to you you don't want, it's important that you have a way to let them know, IMMEDIATELY. Especially if you're tied up or otherwise made helpless.

All it is, is a safety valve for when things get out of control. If your Mistress doesn't respect your safeword, it's a safe bet that they won't respect other limits of yours, and you will need to decide whether you want to play with someone who doesn't acknowledge your boundaries.

Often people outside the scene don't see the appeal in any of the things SM people do that look painful. What's enjoyable about being hit? Where's the fun in getting bruised? Well, think about this. Have you ever had intense sex and afterwards noticed bite marks on your neck of which you had no memory? What happened was your love partner bit you, HARD, hard enough that it bruised you, and all you felt was another jolt of pleasure. If they bit you that hard when you weren’t having sex, you would scream "OUCH!!!" because it would hurt a lot! But when you are sexually aroused, your pain tolerance goes way up, and stimulation that you usually feel, as pain is now actually pleasurable.

For just this reason some Mistresses use pain as a reward, when they’re topping a masochist. Pain as a punishment can have the reverse effect, when your Slave likes getting whipped! One perception that some people can have, looking into the scene from outside, is that people are either tops or bottoms. Either you like to dominate, or you like to be dominated. And sometimes novices become confused, because they're excited by both possibilities.

The facts are, everyone is different, and everyone has their own preferences. Some people are tops in every play situation, just as some are bottoms in every play situation, but sometimes individuals ‘switch’ roles multiple times within one date, and every other spectrum of possibility!

People who top are called "tops", people who bottom are called "bottoms", and people who switch back and forth between topping and bottoming are called "switches". A switch can be a top in one scene and a bottom in another. Some people switch back and forth often; others switch only between scenes, but retain one role throughout any individual scene; others switch only very seldom with people that they trust very deeply; and still others never switch at all.

Is BDSM sexual?
There is no shortage of kinky people who get turned on by kinky behaviour. There is also no shortage of kinky people that don't. And then there are the kinky people who find some kinks sexy and others not, no way, no how, are you kidding? And then there are the kinky people who find some kinks erotic in fantasy only, but who would never like them in reality. Not to mention the kinky people who don't think that other kinky people could possibly find some particular kinks erotic, or not erotic. And then how much plain old sex gets blended into the kinky behaviours--or what kinky behaviours people consider to be sex in the first place--is another colossal variable. So the answer is, yes, sometimes, for some people!



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