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Everything you ever wanted to know about BDSM

What is BDSM?
Literally, "BDSM" is the contraction of "B&D", "D&S" and S&M".
In practice the term is often used in a more general sense to cover the range of interests common in the BDSM Scene, such as fetishes, body modification and alternative sexualities, and it implies activities done Safely, Sanely and Consensually (SSC).

"BDSM" is widely understood within the Scene, is not offensive to vanillas, and is sufficiently specific to be useful while being inclusive enough not to leave large groups within the Scene feeling rejected.

What is 'the' Scene?
Am I part of it?
"a toy" - a piece of equipment that you use for BDSM (e.g. a whip).
"to play" - to participate in a BDSM activity (e.g. spanking).
It does not imply any particular level of seriousness or reality.

"a scene" - an uninterrupted session during which the participants are actually playing, and can last from seconds to a lifetime. It does not have to have an audience, nor does it imply roleplay, S&M, or any one specific element.

"the Scene" - the BDSM community. It can mean both the people who play together, and the events that bring them together. If you believe in doing BDSM activities, and you identify with the Scene, then you are part of it. There is no entrance exam, no initiation ritual, you don't have to be into any particular aspect of BDSM nor do you have to be a recognised public player. There is no particular virtue in being an old or heavy player; so don't be intimidated if you are not, you are just as welcome here.

What is B&D?
"B&D" stands for "Bondage and Discipline".

"controller" - one who wants to control someone's physical actions
"controllee" - one who wants their physical actions to be controlled.
Control can be physical (via bondage) or psychological (via discipline).

"bondage" - any form of physical restraint or hindrance.
Devices commonly used include cuffs, ropes, chains, corsets, gags, blindfolds and large pieces of furniture, or a controller can immobilise a controllee with no devices at all - just by sitting on them.

Bondage is often combined with inflicting pain, and tight bondage or uncomfortable positions can be used in order to inflict pain, however that is not intrinsic to bondage. Bondage can also be used to stimulate the body - Japanese rope bondage is not only an art form, it deliberately uses knots to massage sensitive points.

"discipline" - the use of rules and punishment to control overt behaviour.
Punishment can be pain caused physically (such as caning), humiliation caused physically (such as a public enema) or loss of freedom caused physically (such as chaining the controllee to the foot of a bed, for snoring). Bondage when used as a punishment is still bondage, but because it is overtly being done in response to a 'rule' being broken, it is also part of the discipline. Punishment does not need to be physical. It can be loss of privileges, being ordered to do a task (such as writing lines on a blackboard) or threat of further punishment if not finished correctly, it can be verbal humiliation, or really any act that you can inflict on the controllee or get them to inflict on themselves that they don't like.

Rules can be applied randomly by dominants as a tool for disorienting a sub, or by a sadist in order to have an excuse to inflict lots of fun pain, but a disciplinarian is one who enjoys gaining control over someone's physical actions and apparent behaviour by training them to obey stated rules. Discipline is often combined with playing roles such as student/teacher, worker/boss, nurse/doctor or servant/noble, to give a context for the rules.

What is D&S?
"D&S" stands for "Domination and Submission".
It can also be written "Ds", "D/s", "D&s" or "D/S". "dominant" - one who wants to dominate someone (also "dom" or "Dom")

"submissive" - one who wants to submit to someone (also "sub") Domination is the gain and use of control over a sub's emotional reactions by the manipulation of their mind and body. This may or may not be then used to discipline their physical actions; it can be sufficient to own their soul, but tangible proof of ownership is often found enjoyable. The difference between Discipline and Dominance is that the Disciplinarian cares that the bottom does obey, while not minding whether they wanted to or not. The Dominant cares that the bottom wants to obey, and only minds whether they do actually obey in as much as it proves that they wanted to.

Of course someone who is into both D&S and B&D would care about both things. In BDSM relationships the dominant should take the submissive's interests and needs into account, however this is not the same as saying they will do everything the sub wants or enjoys. Submission is the voluntary offering up of control over one's own volition. Perfecting a genuine selflessness and desire to serve, worship and obey can be a lifelong project, however there are many forms of D&S relationship and the dominant does not usually gain control totally or hold it permanently.

What is S&M?
"S&M" stands for "Sadism and Masochism" or "Sadomasochism".
It can also be written "SM" or "S/M". "sadist" - one who wants to inflict physical pain "masochist" - one who wants to receive physical pain.

The terms "Sadism" and "Masochism" originated with two real people whose names medicine used for the respective conditions, however S&M as it is practised as part of BDSM has little to do with the clinical conditions as defined in DSMIV.

"physical mods" - a deliberate and ornamental change in the body's structure that does not risk impairing needed functionality. (e.g. an ear piercing).

"physical hurt" - a painful insult to the body, causing only repairable physical damage.
Any impairment must be limited to less than a finite planned maximum in magnitude and duration.

"physical harm" - physical damage that risks unacceptable or indeterminate impairment of needed functionality. In S&M the aim is to inflict sensations (such as physical hurt) without causing physical harm. There are many devices available to help a sadist do this. Among the most popular ones dedicated to this purpose are paddles, floggers, straps, canes, crops, whips, cats and clamps.

Hands, candles, ice cubes, needles, knives, feathers and electricity can be just as fun. Hardware stores are fun to visit with a kinky mind. Not everyone responds to sensations in the same way. Some people prefer a stingy cane to a heavy paddle. Some people prefer tickling to a cane. Some people prefer a paddle to tickling. There is no right or wrong amount of pain to be able to withstand, nor is there a correct way it should feel to you.

What other general BDSM terms are there?
"master" - someone into D&S who has a specific relationship with a sub.

"slave" - someone into D&S who has a specific relationship with a dom.

These terms are used in a great variety of conflicting ways. They might be used by one couple when doing a one off role playing scene, based on historical slavery. Another couple may define their whole relationship on that basis, using welded collars, powers of attorney and a 24/7 no safeword agreement to make it as permanent as possible.

"top" - someone who is a controller, dominant and/or sadist.

"bottom" - someone who is a controllee, submissive and/or masochist.
These used to have slightly different meanings in the gay community. In this context they are just generic terms that do not imply whether the player is heavily into D&S or not.

By definition: all masters are dominants all dominants are tops all slaves are submissives, all submissives are bottoms but not necessarily vice versa, and nothing is implied about whether the player has any interest in S&M or B&D.

To confuse matters further, some men will describe themselves as masters, without being dominant, in hope of getting to play with submissives. Mistress is a fairly direct equivalent term for women, but Sir, Lord, Lady, Madam, Goddess, or any other formal title probably indicates an interest in topping.

"SAM" - Smart Assed Masochist.
Used to mean a bottom who is into S&M but not D&S, and who behaves in a disrespectful manner in order to get more punishments. Dates from '70s. Also used perjoratively to mean someone who tries to take total control of a scene while claiming to be submissive.

"YKINMK" - Your Kink Is Not My Kink
"MKIBTYK" - My Kink Is Better Than Your Kink
"YKINOK" - Your Kink Is Not Okay
"YKIOK,IJNMK" - Your Kink is OK, It's Just Not My Kink
"AKIBTN" - Any Kink Is Better Than None"
"TMPTAWWTLO" - The Missionary Position Twice A Week With The Lights Off

"vanilla" - something not part of the Scene.
Often used to describe parts of your life, as well as people or activities. Usage is similar to that of "mundane" by the SF community. Its use is sometimes considered perjorative, (though not by gourmets who eat the real thing, apparently, and probably should not be used to include alternative sexual practices that are part of BDSM in the wider sense.

"missionaries" - If vanilla sex is what you imagine your parents having, then 'missionaries' are more "It's my birthday do you reckon you can go on top tonight darling?". Pejorative.

"munch" - Social meet of an online BDSM group. May or may not include food, drink and or play. Will include talk and fun.

"edge play" - There is disagreement on what this means. Some people use it to refer to play on the edge of consensuality (e.g. pushing limits). Others mean the edge of safety (e.g. play that has a significant risk of causing death or permanent damage). It can therefore be of vital importance to know which definition your potential top is using.

"torture" - BDSM with a heavy S&M element and strict control.

"Safe" Playing safely does not mean giving up all dangerous activities. It means taking reasonable care that you know what risks of physical harm are associated with any activities you consider trying; and, if you decide to go ahead, planning those activities with due thought to optimising the balance between risk and reward for everybody involved. If you are the top, and you are tying your bottom up, keep your attention on what you're doing. Your bottom is going to be blissing out; it's up to you to see that they're comfortable and kept amused.

The "amusement" can be as nasty as you please, but see that they don't get bored; that's seldom fun. Many tops come up with a SM safety kit, containing (among other things) such items as a flashlight, duplicate keys for all locks, bandage scissors (with one flat blade) for speedy bondage removal, a first aid kit with all the standard first aid items, disinfectant (such as Bactine or Hibiclens) for toys which come in contact with bodily fluids, safer sex supplies (sometimes including several varieties of lubricant--different people like different sorts), and so on.

Pay attention to what you're doing and use common sense and you'll likely be fine. In general, start out slow and PRACTICE!

Whips. Floggers. Paddles. Canes. Crops. Hands. Feet.
One way of thinking about whipping is as another way of touching someone. People who are just getting into SM frequently play with spanking; it's fun to be spanked! It's a punishment, it's a strong stimulus, it hurts very pleasurably. But if you've ever spanked anyone for a long time you know that your spanking hand wears out quickly! Well, that's what whips are for--to allow you to hit someone for a longer time, without tiring out. There are many varieties of whips (cat-o-nine tails, heavy floggers, canes, light braided switches, suede pussy whips, and on and on), all of which feel very different and which have their own individual effect.

A whip-loving top will often carry a veritable arsenal of different floggers, but they are all extensions of the top's touch. There are deeper reasons why the variety is so diverse. A whipping scene will often start off very lightly, with the top using a small whip to sensitise the bottom and get them into the rhythm of the scene, switching to heavier and heavier whips as the bottom gets deeper and deeper, more and more receptive to additional sensation.

Of course, the top may choose to lead the bottom on any kind of tactile journey the top desires--switching from stinging light switches to biting canes to soft fleeces. (Yes, it can feel GREAT when your top stops hitting you and suddenly brushes a velvet cloth against your back! Or maybe an ice cube....) It's all about physical sensation. Quite often people in the scene describe whips as being "thuddy" or "stingy".

Thuddy whips land with a solid impact; they shove you, they feel like a cross between a hug and a punch. Stingy whips land with a bite; they feel like a cross between a scratch and a slap. Both kinds of sensation are enjoyable in different ways, and a skilled top can alternate thud and sting (and then some!) to create waves of sensation that wash their bottom into ecstasy.

Most people enjoy a slow buildup when being whipped. This can culminate in an explosive climax of impacts, leaving both top and bottom drained and delighted. Or it can wind down gently, ending casually. Or it can stop feeling good suddenly, resulting in a safeword. Or it can turn into a galloping intense sex scene! But the general "start slow, build up, end intensely" tempo is common to many SM scenes: from gentle to stronger to WOW and then back to gentle, then a little stronger, then WOW!!... and gentle again.

It's the motion of the ocean, as they say. It takes practice to know how to use this to blow your bottom's mind, the more you learn, the more skilled you will be, and believe me, these skills-- teasing your partner and making them feel better and better and BETTER --are very useful in non-SM contexts as well!

Whips aren't the end of the story. Some people use paddles--of leather or wood, sometimes with holes cut in them to decrease air resistance and make for a harder impact. Paddles produce a solid "smack!" which can feel like a super-powerful spanking. Some players like canes, which can be thick or thin, stiff or relatively flexible. Canes can produce some of the strongest impacts of all--the "whick!" of a quick-moving cane is distinctive.

Not everyone can handle the intensely focused pain canes can produce, but those who can tend to greatly enjoy it. Wooden spoons and kitchen spatulas have been pressed into service as instruments of flagellation. Whipping or spanking is sometimes used as part of a "punishment" scene, in which the pretext for the scene is that the bottom has been disobedient or naughty in some way which requires chastisement. This can be fun to do as role-playing, but it may not work in a more long-term D&S dynamic.

Bottoms often find it erotic to receive non-damaging sensation from their top--and of course any scene causing permanent damage is not safe nor sane. If your bottom learns that the best way to get enjoyably beaten is to misbehave, you will have a very bad bottom on your hands. It is often then best to separate "play" punishments--which are intended to be fun-- from "real" punishments involving seriously broken agreements.

Here is where reality and fantasy need to be delicately separated, and here is where the real world differs from S&M fiction. When whipping someone, be careful. Heavy whipping is usually done on the back or ass, simply because those are the parts of the body which can take it most readily. Be careful of hitting the spine, which can break the skin where the vertebrae come close to the surface. Stay away from the kidneys, as kidney damage can occur if you hit them too hard. Stay away from the neck, for the same reasons you avoided the spine. Be aware that if you hit someone hard enough (which may be lighter than you'd think) you will bruise them, and if you keep going you can break the skin, which is decidedly unsafe sex; and leather or string whips are tough to clean.

For this reason, some dedicated masochists have their own toys which have come in contact with their blood, and henceforth can be used only on them. Whippings like this are very strenuous, but as with all SM, you can start out light and get only as heavy as you want! Bruises will heal (even large ones), as will light cuts or abrasions, but you should know how to avoid unintended damage that won't be so accommodating. One thing to watch for (a distant risk, but worth knowing): melanoma, a form of skin cancer, can be worsened by skin trauma. If you see a mole on your bottom's back that looks uneven, discoloured, or different than it used to, avoid that area, and have them see a dermatologist.

Restraint. Suspension. Mummification.
Make sure your bottom's extremities don't start getting cold or turning blue; those are both sure signs that blood isn't flowing the way it ought to, and that isn't what you want to have happen. If your bottom's hands are bound inside mittens or some other place that's not accessible to you, ask them to wiggle their fingers or toes or whatever and see if they're losing any feeling.

It can be tricky to tie someone up without making it too tight; in general, a good rule is to tie loosely with lots of turns of rope. You can tighten such a tie with just another turn around all the rest, and it can be a real drag to have a bottom's foot fall asleep in the middle of a scene; this kind of thing can feel very annoying and distracting, and can make it hard for your bottom to concentrate on what you are making them feel.

Silk scarves, bandannas, etc. also have this problem with tightening under tension; sometimes they get so tight they have to be cut off. If you're a novice, you may want to avoid these hassles by purchasing a pair of basic ankle and wrist cuffs (in leather, velcro, or whatever) at an adult toy store; and if you get embarrassed, remember the old stand-by excuse: "It's a gag wedding gift!"

Handcuffs are sexy, but they can also be a pain. Handcuffs are also bare metal, and aren't good to struggle against, as they can easily pinch nerves. Padded buckling bondage cuffs are better for those sorts of games.

Do not leave a bound person alone. Though it is a hot fantasy to tie someone up in some precarious position (possibly with vibrators or other devices buzzing away) and leave them to stew, in reality you must consider: what if the house is burgled? catches on fire? earthquake? any sort of emergency? Fun is fun, but a helpless person is just that: helpless. A willing partner is too precious to take risks with. Be very careful about tying anything around the neck; anything that puts any pressure AT ALL on the front of the neck can lead to unconsciousness quickly, as the carotid arteries go right to the brain.

Likewise be careful with gags or things tied in the mouth; as well as restricting breathing, they can trigger a gag reflex, which could be really nasty if the bottom can't get the gag out. Also, be aware that if someone is standing for any length of time in any sort of tight bondage, it can lead to less circulation to their head; if you suddenly do something intense to that person, it may trigger a headrush which could easily result in a faint.

Always use hooks which can be released instantly even with the bottom's full weight on them (these are sometimes called "panic snaps", and keep a pair of bandage scissors handy in case ropes or straps need to be cut loose. Be careful what you tie your bottom to; if an exposed water pipe is handy, be aware it may heat up. Likewise with candles; be careful when you're waving flame around someone who's bound, as they can't flinch the way unbound people can. If you don't have anything handy to tie someone to, you can always tie their wrists behind their back and then to their waist. Or if your bed doesn't have any posts, you can wrap ropes around the legs of the bed and spread-eagle your bottom that way.

In general, there are a million ways to tie someone up, and a little practice--on your bottom or on yourself!--will let you improvise in almost any situation.

Below are few sorts of common bondage devices:
Mummification or Cocooning: About the most complete form of bondage is to wrap someone up so they are completely immobile. The most popular way to mummify someone is with plastic wrap. A common technique is to wrap each limb separately, then wrap the arms to the sides, and then wrap the legs together--and then help the bottom lie down on an adjacent soft surface. You can then cut holes (carefully!) to access any especially sensitive areas, or wrap tape over it all for extra security, or add gags, blindfolds, etc.

One way the body releases heat is by sweating, and while mummified you can't sweat too much, so make sure your bottom doesn't overheat--and have a blanket ready to cover them with when you cut them out of their cocoon, using the bandage scissors. Always monitor your bottom very carefully; they are helpless, and your neglect or inattention could spell disaster.

Hoods: Many leather stores and artisans make bondage hoods. These are typically constricted of leather or rubber. Some have simple zips, and you zip them up to secure them. Others have laces on the back and/ or the sides, to enable the hood to be laced more tightly, for greater bondage effect. Some hoods have eye holes, some don't. Some hoods have mouth holes, some don't. Some deluxe hoods have built-in earmuffs or even space for earphones, for sensory deprivation.

Almost all hoods have nose holes, for obvious reasons. Hoods can restrict a bottom's breathing quite seriously, and tops must remain continually aware of their bottom's condition while their bottom is wearing a hood--especially if the hood is combined with any form of gag. Do not leave a hooded bottom alone; breathing difficulty can come on quickly. Some people believe that any hood without a zipor other extra-quick-release mechanism is too dangerous to use on a bottom. In any case, you should have some bandage scissors at the ready if the hood needs to be removed in a big hurry.

Bodybags: If you like being bound the ultimate extreme is bondage which encompasses your entire body, leaving you with no motion whatever. Bondage bodybags (or "sleepsacks") resemble a well-tailored, snug sleeping bag, often made out of leather or spandex. Spandex bodybags are the least expensive, and if made from heavy enough spandex can be very restrictive indeed. Often bodybags have an opening at the upper end, through which you slide your feet, pulling the bag up to your neck. Many have other openings for genitals or nipples, so your bottom can be pleasured or tortured while immobile.

Leather bodybags can be arbitrarily complex (and expensive); some have built-in internal arm sleeves to further minimise motion, or suspension straps so the bag, bottom and all, can be lifted into the air. Some have laces around the outside so the bag can be cinched to a downright painful tightness.

If you REALLY have money to burn, you can even get inflatable rubber bodybags--get in it and pump it up, and float away! Caveats about breathing and quick- release apply here as well.

Hobble skirts: Fetish clothing is often designed not just to look good and feel good, but to act almost as bondage in its own right. Hobble skirts are a perfect example: they are simply skirts which fit very snugly from waist down to ankles. Often the wearer can take steps of only a few inches while wearing the skirt (thus the term "hobble skirt"). When combined with a pair of high heels, these skirts can be almost totally immobilising, even without any other bondage.

Leather or rubber are (again) the typical materials, though some dedicated tailors make their own from velvet or satin or other sensuous materials.

Armbinders: Restraints, typically leather, that bind both arms behind the back. Some resemble large gloves that pull up over both arms and buckle around the shoulders. Others are straps that go down the middle of the back and have attached wrist cuffs. In general, there are lots of kinds of bondage gear, and you can even invent your own.

Gags. Breath control. Sensory Deprivation.
Gags are devices used to muffle sounds or limit ability to communicate verbally. Besides the practical aspects, gags can have a significant psychological impact. They can be used to humiliate or degrade a person, to induce animalistic connotations and to depersonalize. There are many different types of gags ranging from home-made items to the expensive accoutrement sold at fetish and leather shops. All these different types of gags can be used to induce a variety of effects in the wearer.

Home-made gags include gagging with scarves, panties (soiled and otherwise) socks and tape. These are probably the most effective in actual noise reduction, however they do have serious safety considerations to be taken into account. Socks and panties can be stuffed into the mouth and secured in place with tape or a scarf. Besides muffling noise this can be very humiliating especially when items used are soiled in some way. Tape is a favourite when used in a rape or kidnapping scenario, heightening the intensity and reality of such play. It is a also inexpensive, quick to put on and equally quick (and painful ) to remove.

SPECIAL SAFETY CONSIDERATIONS I
inhalation or swallowing of the gag (or part of the gag) is probably the most important concern with these gags and the person wearing the gag should be watched carefully. It may be a good to wrap the item around a rope across the mouth to keep it from being inhaled. The Top should have a good understanding of the bottoms non-verbal communications. Dry mouth is another concern as if the mouth becomes too dry swallowing can be very difficult. This can also induce gagging and choking.

ADVANCED GAGS
Advanced gags include ball, wedge, inflatable, bit and harnesses.
These come in a variety of configurations from a securing strap to complex full head affairs. They can be made of rubber, leather, or nylon webbing and are available in fetish shops or mail order, or the more adventurous can make their your own. Metal bits should be avoided as they pose a danger of chipping teeth

BALL GAG
A ball gag is basically a rubber or leather ball attached to a strap that is secured around the head. The ball can be rather small to very large. These have a tendency to open the jaw very wide, and to cause the wearer to salivate profusely. They have a deep humiliating effect for some people, mostly due to involuntary drool and the loss of control it implies (the *drool factor*).

WEDGE GAGS
These are similar to the ball gag except they are wedge shaped and less severe. They can be worn more comfortably by some, for extended periods of time. However some people are more sensitive to a 'gag reflex' with these gags. They have the added advantage of giving a bottom 'something to bite down on' while being whipped or otherwise abused.

INFLATABLE GAGS
These are usually rubber gags inflated by means of a bulb, with a valve allowing the person to release air as required. Inflatable gags come in many shapes and sizes ranging from the typical ball gag to penis shaped and wedge gags. Care should be taken not to over-inflate the gag, and the top should check the subs reaction after each inflation.

BITS
Bit gags are usually rubber or leather, although some people may use wood or metal (in our opinion, not a good idea). Psychologically these are very effective in inducing animalistic reactions and in dehumanising the bottom. Because of the obvious connotations these are popular in pony club circles and with other animal play enthusiasts.

TONGUE CLAMPS
Though not technically gags, tongue clamps serve well to impair speech significantly, much like the traditional *Scold's Bridle*. Metal or wood vices are available to grip the tongue. These are usually attached to a head harness or other external means of support. Variations can be made through common household items such as chopsticks secured with leather thongs or rubber bands. These have almost no effect on noise, but make speech impossible, adding to feelings of helplessness and humiliation. These can become quite painful and the bottom will drool significantly.

HEAD HARNESSES
One of the most effective and comfortable gag is a head harness. This is a kind of leather version of a scolds bridle. It has adjustable straps so the whole thing can be tightened suitably. The actual gag part is a wedge gag. The harness has straps which cross over underneath the jaw and fasten around the back of the neck, effectively clamping your jaw up onto the wedge. This is more severe in that the entire head is encased making the wearer feel more controlled, animalistic and humiliated. This gag is more constricting than any other. It is also easily grabbed from any angle, so offers more physical control of the bottom to the top. Care should be taken to not jerk the head too violently. Some harnesses also have attachments to facilitate blindfolds, to further add to the vulnerability of the bottom.

SAFETY
General safety considerations include being able to remove the gag immediately if a problem arises. It would be a bad idea to use a gag that locks in place, unless you are willing to cut it off. Care should be taken to avoid eating large quantities beforehand and alcohol and drugs should be avoided. If you use a safeword, or are new to gags, it is a good idea to have a nonverbal signal of distress. This can range from shaking the head in a predetermined fashion to an item held in the hand and dropping it when in trouble. For obvious reasons a grunt or moan is not the best option. When finding a gag, check carefully to ensure that no part of it can be bitten or torn off posing a danger of choking to the bottom. The gagged person shouldn't be left unattended, and a person with a cold or blocked nose shouldn't be gagged. Large gags should not be used on someone with Tempero-mandibular Joint Dysfunction (TMJ) . TMJ sufferers also should not be required to have their mouth open or extended periods of time.

Test a persons limits with a gag (and every gag) before leaving them in place for any period of time. Any person may begin to feel pain with gags, especially large ball gags. This pain can soon become excruciating. Persons with false teeth or bridges should consider removing them before using a gag. Always have a pair of safety scissors or other cutting device on hand when using gags as emergencies can arise quicker than one expects.

GRUNTS, MOANS, AND OTHER ODD NOISES or Other effects of wearing a gag.
Gags are humiliating because of the grunts, moans and other odd noises the bottom makes from behind the gag. Though the gag is also frustrating because you cannot speak, it can also be comforting when experiencing severe treatment for two reasons. Firstly because you can scream to your hearts content and secondly, because it gives you something solid to bite on. Being gagged, especially when it is combined with any other type of sensory deprivation ,ie being blindfolded or having your ears plugged, makes the bottom extremely aware of their vulnerability and also can make them conscious of the fact that they can easily be turned into no more than just an object if the top desires it.

One of a bottoms main fears about being gagged is that anything could happen to them and they wouldn't be able to protest verbally. It's the increased vulnerability and explicit physical control (especially when combined with being bound in some way) that instills this fear. That poses the question of whether, psychologically, something is easier to deal with if you can shout and scream your protests before/while something is being done to you?

BREATH CONTROL
Some people enjoy playing with cutting off their air during heavy scenes. This can be as simple as squeezing someone's neck while you kiss them deeply, or as complex as a full-head latex hood and gas mask over a straitjacket. As your air is cut off, you can feel sensation more intensely; it is also a deeply intimate thing to allow someone else to be in control of the very air you breathe. One simple explanation is that the body's natural reaction as orgasm approaches is shallow, rapid breathing--just like in breath control. Needless to say, there are many things that can go very wrong; if you pass out and someone isn't there to cut you loose and make sure you're breathing, you can die. Not for novices.

One simple way to start is to try squeezing your lover's neck gently as you make love to them. If it feels good, they will let you know, most demonstratively. And you can stop instantly just by letting go. In any form of breath control, it is critical that all equipment be fail-safe, and that the bottom's breathing is only impaired by the top's direct action--not by anything (noose, gas mask, etc) that would continue to obstruct air if the top (for example) fainted suddenly. Many people die each year practising "autoerotic asphyxiation"--wherein someone will masturbate while restricting their own breathing, and one night they wait too long to take the bag off their head or release the pressure on their neck, and they black out and die.

Some think, "Well, just play with a partner, then, if you want to black out." However, losing consciousness, even for a moment, can trigger cardiac arrest. This is why making your bottom black out is almost certainly a much riskier idea than you would think. The same goes for anaesthesia. Sometimes people think, "Hmm, it'd be hot if I could drug my play partner--like in the movies--and she'd wake up all bound!" Even if your play partner likes this idea, don't do it. There is no safe way to force someone into unconsciousness; anaesthetists spend their lives learning how to do it, with the best equipment, and still mishaps occur. Don't play with ether, or chloroform, or suffocation to unconsciousness... unless you and your partner really want to take a substantial risk of death.

More experienced people than you have died.

Sensory Deprivation
I think one of the most important things to watch for with hoods is the after effects of using them. The person who has just had a hood removed may be shaky, disoriented, unable to think clearly or to perform simple tasks (ie standing up, walking). They may also be unable to communicate these problems. Some people suddenly weep uncontrollably and its up to the Top to know what they need in that situation. They may seem fine but be experiencing a sense of disconnectedness and need to be watched carefully and helped where appropriate. These symptoms can last anywhere from a few minutes to a few hours. These symptoms are a surprise to inexperienced (and experienced!!---every time is different).

Since any deprivation of any sense can be considered sensory deprivation, then every time someone puts on a blindfold, they are practising SD. SD is very attractive to many, and a powerful tool that can be used, abused, improved or mishandled. It has amazing power: constructive, destructive, playful, and useful. It can help one focus (on one thing or many) or it can be used to disorient and warp. And it comes in a million shapes, sizes and degrees. So while some are very light and playful and relatively safe, some can be potentially catastrophic. And let's not forget sensory overload. It's as powerful, if not more so, and everyone seems to forget about it.

Genitorture.
C&B. Parachutes. Breasts. Nipple clamps. "C&B play" stands for cock & ball play. "Genitorture" stands for "genital torture". This is a subject that makes some men clutch their nuts and run in fear, and makes other men instantly erect and greedy for more. The male genitals are at once the most vulnerable and most sensitive part of the male body, so of course many tops enjoy playing with them. Cockrings are rings that go around your cock, typically around the base of it, behind the balls. The penis becomes erect when the blood vessels at its base constrict (because of arousal), trapping blood in the cock and causing it to swell. Cock rings have a similar effect, prolonging erection in most men that use them. They also constrict the urethra, which will make any orgasm more painful, or even cause ejaculate to back up into the bladder. This is not dangerous unless done repeatedly.

Experiment to find out how much tightness is too much. Most are made of leather, with adjustable snaps, so you can tighten or loosen them to fit (as well as remove them easily). Some are made of rubber. Some are even made of metal, but metal ones can be hazardous; if you put a too-small one on your non-erect cock, your cock may become so erect that you can no longer remove it--and if it is too tight, it will prevent your cock from softening. This may involve a trip to the emergency room and the use of bolt cutters. No joke. Some cock rings have multiple rings, for behind the balls, around the balls themselves, and around the base of the shaft. Some people like using lot of cock rings, to stretch the balls out away from the body.

Safety tips:
The broadest guideline is to go slowly until you know how much you can take. If the pain from a particular activity starts to spread into other areas of the body, or if the pain lasts for a long time after the stimulation ends, you have probably gone beyond your limits. You won't reach this point generally if you take your time. As with any SM practice, if you find yourself in pain later, or if you notice any abnormalities in your cock or balls when flaccid or erect, see a doctor. Of course, avoid any practice that seriously wrenches or twists the genitals; there are many ligaments and blood vessels in there, damage to which may make it hard for you to get hard. But the cock and balls can handle light whipping or slapping, provided it is done with care. Of course, cock and ball bondage can be done with leather strips, ribbons, velvet cords, etc. Be as ornamental as you please; tying up an erect cock can create a luscious work of art, and teasing it can be even more artistic.

Don't expect C&B bondage to keep a cock hard indefinitely; cocks will usually get soft if not stimulated, and bondage which will keep it hard may be dangerously tight. In any event, be sure you can remove your bondage quickly, as always.

A great deal can also be done with female genitalia. Some women love having pegs on their pussy lips; some love light whipping on their outer labia, or even their clitoris. Sometimes body piercings can be used for bondage; labia piercings can hold a pussy open very delightfully, or clit hood piercings can be tied up out of the way with thread, leaving the clit naked and exposed. Some women like soft fur on their pussy; others like to be alternately soothed and tormented until they can stand no more. Again, go slowly. Do NOT blow into the vagina, whatever else you do. Don't leave clamps on very long until you know how much your partner enjoys and how it will feel to her the next day when the scene is over. Too much of one kind of sensation can become irritating quickly; change the stimulation, keep your bottom aroused and surprised. There are all sorts of things that can be used on female genitals; one article lists "bamboo skewers, candles, cheese graters, clips, flyswatter, ice cubes, knives, latex squares, leather thongs, massage bongers, rabbit fur, ropes, scalp scrubber, silk, spoons, towels, weights, and whips" as items that can be useful in giving your bottom's genitals a ride they won't forget. And no, you don't do this until you cause real damage, any more than you do with male genitals. Don't be scraping, scabbing, or scarring--these are the most sensitive parts of the body you're playing with!

Communication is paramount in female genital play; women's pussies vary as much as any other part of womens' bodies (or more), and responses will vary equally dramatically. In general, the same sort of rhythm discussed in the whipping section is useful in cunt play, though if anything the top needs to go even more slowly, as the sensations will be more intense and focused than in almost any other kind of sensation scene. One final tidbit: apparently, for many women, a common pre-orgasmic response is for the clit to retreat into its hood. If you are giving your partner some very delicious sensation (possibly combined with some just-right pain) and her clit disappears, DON'T STOP unless you want to avoid her orgasm... don't push this too far, unless your bottom's feet are tied down--she may kick. And know your limits; if your bottom really wants an orgasm to end the scene, giving her one may make her EXTREMELY grateful to you, and waiting too long may burn you both out. This is good stuff to negotiate about beforehand in any scene--how would you like the scene to end? Breaking such an agreement will engender mistrust, but honesty, as always, will help everyone get what they want.

Anal sex. Fisting.
Anal sex, practised properly, is as safe as any other kind of sex. And people do it because it feels good--the anus can be an intensely erogenous zone. In fact, far more straight people than gay people practice anal sex! The anus contains more nerve endings than any other part of the male body, and more than any part of the female body except the clitoris. It's no wonder that anal sex is a part of many peoples' sex lives. "Anal sex" can range from simply stroking your partner's anus with a lubricated finger, to actually sliding some fingers inside your partner and stroking them, to full anal intercourse.

All these things are physically very pleasurable, and if you simply wash your ass, there's nothing repulsive about them. The anal taboo is very old, but there is no necessary medical reason for it if you know what you're doing. If you're concerned about staying clean, by all means make sure you've gone to the bathroom before playing, and wash your ass--outside and, if you wish, inside, with an enema. If you want to feel clean in order to enjoy anal sex, it's not hard to be as clean as you want. It is also very important, though, to use safe sex techniques describe a bit further on. The main guidelines for anal sex are Communication, Relaxation, Lubrication.

You see, your anus consists of two rings of muscle, dubbed the external and internal sphincters. Your external sphincter is under your voluntary control--you can relax it at will. But your internal sphincter is not under voluntary control. If you are tense, your internal sphincter will be tight, and trying to force anything into it will hurt, which will make you (and it) even more tense. So the rule in anal sex is to go slowly; you can't force your way into enjoying it. Communication: talk about what you're going to do before you do it! Don't just roll your partner over and surprise them; they won't be relaxed and it won't be fun.

Make sure you both are comfortable with the idea of anal play. Relaxation: listen to your body. If your ass wants to be played with, you will know; if it doesn't, don't rush anything. Lubrication: your anus doesn't lubricate, so you need to use a WATER-SOLUBLE lubricant such as KY Jelly . Use LOTS of it; it's clean! The more lube you use, the more comfortable you will be. And finally, communication again: if you haven't played with your anus before, the sensations will be intense and strange. You may feel like you are having a bowel movement when your partner slides their fingers out of you; it takes some experience to realise that this feeling is deceptive and that what you're feeling won't result in a soiled bedsheet.

It's not enough to just clean your anus, though; your partner should also use a latex barrier (a glove for fingering, a dental dam or a piece of (non-microwaveable) for licking, and a condom for fucking) when having sex with you. This is true in general, but especially true for anal sex; unprotected anal sex is the riskiest kind of sex with regard to transmitting STDs of any sort. Also, using protection often increases the sensation of safety and cleanliness, which helps many people relax and enjoy the experience more. Some say that anal play isn't as risky as all that. The facts are that in some cities intestinal parasites, spread by unprotected anal sex, have been considered a serious sexually transmitted public health problem, with thousands of people infected.

Decide for yourself how much risk you want to accept. And anything that has come in contact with the anus should be cleaned thoroughly (or thrown away, in the case of latex barriers) before coming into contact with the mouth or vagina. I already mentioned that it's not a good idea to force anything. Let me be more emphatic: if you feel pain in your ass while you're having anal sex, STOP. Too-rough anal sex can stress and possibly tear the anal lining, which can lead to very serious infections. Anal sex does NOT mix with force. And if you find yourself bleeding from the rectum, go see a doctor IMMEDIATELY. Don't be embarrassed--they've seen it all before... just get yourself taken care of! That said, I need to clarify what I meant by STOP if you feel pain. That is what you should do: stop moving. The pain may just be your sphincter muscle complaining about stretching a bit, and when you stop pushing it will stop hurting--and possibly relax some more. If it doesn't stop hurting when you stop moving, THEN you want to pull out (slowly) and take appropriate action.

If it does stop, wait a little, then begin again... your ass will let you know if it wants to stop altogether.

Fisting E
everyone (well, almost everyone) knows what finger-fucking is. Whether in ass or pussy, it's terrifically enjoyable to stroke someone inside. Fingers up a man's ass, if aimed properly, will tickle his prostate gland, which feels AMAZINGLY good... just a little tip! And people are generally comfortable with the idea of finger-fucking with more than one finger. But not as many people have been exposed to the idea of inserting a whole hand into the ass or pussy... which is, in simplest terms, what fisting is. Yes, it's anatomically possible, and yes, it's EXTREMELY (so I've heard) pleasurable.

That said, it's now very important to explain what fisting is not. You do not make a fist and ram it home. Fisting is one of the most intimate and complete ways to touch another human being, and it is something that has to be worked up to slowly and gently. First of all, cut and file all your nails until every finger is as smooth as it could possibly be. Your fingers will be in some very delicate places--places that may not have pain receptors. You want to make sure you minimise all chance of causing damage. Use latex gloves. AIDS is a matter of life and death. Be gentle with enemas; warm water is best. Don't use detergent in enemas. Some people enjoy putting alcohol in enemas; if you do, use a VERY VERY VERY DILUTED solution, since it will get absorbed real fast, and the bottom won't be able to expel it if they get too drunk. Use LOTS (and I mean LOTS) of lube. Push it in with your fingers. Make a huge mess. Get it all over your hand, the back of your hand, between your fingers. Keep applying it as you go.

You can't have too much lube. Remember, oil-based lubricants dissolve latex. Some people like KY jelly; others say it dries out too quickly. In the UK, a substance called "Aqueous Cream" is the creme de la creme. Go slowly. Start with one finger and work up. DON'T RUSH. Be sensitive to your bottom's feelings. You are trying to persuade part of their body to open for you, to admit part of you deeply inside it. The energy will move back and forth, and you'll ride it, coaxing and pushing, in and out, moving your bottom into a trance. Keep communicating with your bottom; gags, or role-playing where the bottom feels inferior or is told to stay quiet, are not conducive to the kind of relaxation and open empathy you'll need.

If your bottom suddenly hits their limit, you'll know; their orifice will clench tight shut suddenly. DON'T PULL OUT. Stay right where you are until the contraction ends, THEN start pulling out. You can pull a muscle or two if you try to back out in the middle of a reaction like that. If this happens, it's OK; you'll know to go slower next time (if you both want to try again). But assuming all is well.... when you reach five fingers, you're almost there. Now is when you want to be most sensitive and most aware. Your bottom is going to be flying on pain and pleasure; a sudden flinch and you'll find the asshole (or whatever) doesn't want you anymore. Respect that, and pull out (slowly!). But if your bottom's bottom wants it, then you'll slip your knuckles inside, folding your thumb inside your fingers, and (so I've been told) your hand will NATURALLY form a fist--you DON'T need to clench your hand or anything else!

Now the real fun begins... explore, entice, pleasure your bottom, who will be in heaven... and when it comes time to pull out, do so slowly and naturally!

"Sane"
Playing sanely does not mean giving up the wild, abnormal and extreme. It means paying due regard to possibility of emotional harm, in the same way that playing safely is to do with risks of physical harm.

Why is B&D fun?
Lots of reasons. For many people, the knowledge that they are helpless, that someone else can do things with their body and they can't prevent them, is a powerful turn-on. "I'm going to make you come and there's nothing you can do about it." It's a very strong statement of trust to let someone bind you helplessly, or even non-helplessly. How erotic, to feel yourself spread open, wanton and wet, and to see your lover kneeling between your legs, ready to use you for their pleasure--or to pleasure you unendurably.

For others, the simple sensation of bondage feels good. Tight constriction can create very intense stimulation, and lots of tight bondage can be a sensory trip, just as a whipping scene can be. Bondage can feel comforting, pleasantly confining; you don't need to worry about anything, since what can you do? You're all tied up, and all that's left is to enjoy. Forget others, it's a charge to struggle, to let your body lose control. It can really intensify an orgasm when you come with every muscle straining against your bonds, trying to get your hands free to smash your lover's face into your crotch, your body shaking. If you weren't tied down you'd hurt yourself!

An especially intense form of bondage is verbal bondage: putting your bottom in some position spread-eagled, kneeling, whatever and commanding them not to move... and then tormenting them! One kinky variation on this is as follows: have your bottom hold their hands out in front of them, fingers splayed, each fingertip touching the opposite fingertip. Put a penny between each pair of fingertips so they're holding five pennies. Now order them not to let a single one drop, on pain of some punishment or other, and then go to work! This works best on a hard floor so you can hear the coin drop.

Why is S&M fun?
Often people outside the scene don't see the appeal in any of the things SM people do that look painful. What's enjoyable about being hit? Where's the fun in getting bruised? Well, think about this. Have you ever had intense sex and afterwards noticed bite marks on your neck of which you had no memory? What happened was your love partner bit you, HARD, hard enough that it bruised you, and all you felt was another jolt of pleasure. If they bit you that hard when you weren't having sex, you would scream "OUCH!!!" because it would hurt a lot! But when you are sexually aroused, your pain tolerance goes way up, and stimulation that you usually feel as pain is now actually pleasurable.

This is common knowledge. Another usual explanation is that the brain produces endorphins, natural opiates, to compensate for pain. You actually get high off the sensation. The "runner's high" comes from pushing the body painfully for so long that the endorphins kick in; the rush you get after eating chili peppers comes from the same source; and that's what makes it enjoyable for SM players to be whipped or spanked or whatever. It's not pain, it's pleasure! All athletes that are "hooked on exercise" are essentially masochists who enjoy stressing their bodies to get that chemical response.

So your friend who enjoys being spanked may actually be a lot less masochistic than your average marathon runner! Pain as a punishment can have the reverse effect, when your bottom likes getting whipped!

Endorphins are by no means the Single Explanation for why masochists find intense sensation to be desirable. Not every masochist floats away blissfully while being whipped, nor would they all even want to. The ways to experience intense sensation vary from dreamlike rush to stinging ouch to irritating maddening burn to soothing warmth to tears-in-the-eyes throbbing... and whatever the sensation, there is likely someone who enjoys it. Also, pain is a continuum. There are many different kinds of sensation that you can use in your lovemaking--light scratches with fingernails, open-hand spankings, pinches, squeezes... there are many many ways to touch someone, and all of them can be enjoyable.

Different people enjoy different levels of sensation; "different strokes for different folks." What may be a wonderfully sensual caress to one person may be practically unnoticeable to another, and what may be a delightful flogging to one person may be no fun AT ALL to someone else. Ongoing negotiation is the secret to finding the happy medium. Some people consider all this absurd. "How could you WANT pain?" The best answer I can give is that some people simply seem to be calibrated differently. They want more sensation; they find the intensity thrilling and exciting, whereas someone else might find it overpowering and agonising. People like different amounts of spice in their food; why not in their sexual encounters? Each person experiences sensation differently, and if you want more, there are safe ways for you to get it. Getting what you want, safely, can make your life much happier.

What is 'real' BDSM?
Does what I do count? You are an individual. Nobody looks, thinks or feels exactly as you do; even identical twins have their differences. It should therefore not be surprising that every BDSM scene has its own unique style. BDSM can be sexual, exciting, humorous, artistic, healing, calming, or indeed magical, if you tie your bottom in a box, then pierce with swords. Or it can be none of these things; for some people sex is intrinsically part of BDSM, while for others it is totally unconnected.

BDSM will often involve elements from overlapping sub-cultures:
Fetishes: cross dressing, leather, shoes, bad music
Body modification: piercing, tattoos, scarification, branding
Alternative sex: water sports, anal, masturbation, fisting
Un-trad sexualities: transsexual, polyamoury, bisexual, celibate
Mental alteration: hypnotism, drugs, pavlovian conditioning, magick
Role play: knight/squire, teacher/student, noble/servant
Counter culture: Science Fiction, the SCA, Gothic vampires, Anarchism

If what you do is SSC, and it feels like BDSM to you, then few reasonable people will object. There are some who feel that there is only 'one true way' to be a dom, a sub, or whatever; and that anybody who does not do it that way is a deluded fake. The men in white coats advise that until these people can be recaptured, your best course of action is to ignore them.

Fetishes. Clothing Care. Gender Play. Shaving.
Leather/latex/high heels/corsets/cigars/shiny boots
All these things--erotic clothing or objects of whatever type--are "fetishes".
A fetish is any object which has sexual connotations for you. If it makes you feel sexy to wear it, or to see it on someone else, it's a fetish. There's nothing wrong with having fetishes; in fact, it's a rare person who doesn't have any!

Some people are turned on by armpits; some by painted toenails; some by good old lingerie. The techniques of negotiation and communication that I've already talked about can also come in handy in exploring your particular fetishes, whatever they are. Leather is one of the most basic fetishes in the scene. Leather skirts, leather chaps, leather harnesses, leather cuffs, on and on. Likewise for latex. Much of the appeal of these two substances, it seems to me, is in their tightness and their shininess; clothes made out of them enhance your awareness of your sensual self, and restraints made out of them can cling like a second skin.

In general, leather and latex are two really big categories of fetish--and a fetish is defined as something that turns some people on; if you have to ask, you probably won't understand! Leather clothes absorb fluids; don't get them wet. Plain water will damage the leather; blood or other bodily fluids will also leave their scent in the leather. You can use saddle soap and water to clean your leather. Latex doesn't absorb water-based fluids, but oils will damage it, and prolonged exposure to sunlight will cause it to break down. When putting your latex on, apply lots of talc to yourself and to the insides of your latex; this will make it easy to slide it on.

Don't pull the latex with your nails, or it'll rip; likewise make sure you cut your toenails before putting on latex stockings. After removing latex clothes, wash them with water to remove oils, then dry them (and some say powder them) for storage. There are also PVC clothes ("wetlook" clothes), which are usually black, shiny, and stretchy. PVC is basically plastic-coated fabric, and is washable, as well as relatively inexpensive. Of course, good old lingerie can be very arousing indeed. It's often true that a little clothing is even sexier than none at all.

Erotic costumes and attire can add a lot of spark to a scene; they can set the stage like nothing else. The mind is the biggest erogenous zone, and role-playing and mock acting can be very very hot. whether combined with any other elements of BDSM, or not. As for corsets and high heels: they're both restrictive garments that enhance the curves of the body, and that work really well. As part of BDSM play they can enhance the domineering tread of a mistress or hobble the steps of a slave. They are some of the classic fetish items. High enough heels can make it altogether impossible to walk, which can be very sexy! Corsets, properly applied, can dramatically change the shape of your body, while intensifying sensation throughout. And corsets and high heels, like any fetish, can be combined with many many different kinds of scenes.

Other fetishes: dirty jockstraps, boxer shorts on women, formal clothes on men, cowboy gear, uniforms (police/military), nurse's outfit, harem girl attire... the list goes on and on. If it turns you on to wear it or to see your partner wearing it, why not make it part of a scene?

SHAVING
Another fetish many people have is smooth skin, with no body hair. Shaven skin is silky soft, completely and utterly naked, and very vulnerable. Shaven legs, armpits, or genitals can feel very different indeed than hairy ones... and since the name of the game is sensation, naturally shaving and SM can go together! Since shaving is conventionally a female activity, it carries an added charge when men are shaved. It can be at once humiliating and enormously arousing.

Many men enjoy shaving themselves in order to play with cross-dressing (dressing as a woman); hence I mention these two topics together. Shaving first. How to shave? Use a sharp razor and a bowl of hot water; splash water over your leg (or wherever) and lather with shaving cream. Then shave with the direction of the hair (i.e. shave down the leg towards the ankle, or shave from the navel towards the crotch); going against the direction of the hair can lead to ingrown hairs when it starts to grow back. Shave with short strokes, dipping the razor frequently in the bowl to remove the hair.

If you shave only seldom, you may go through a couple of razor blades doing your legs alone. Some people who shave infrequently use an electric razor first to remove most of the hair, then a hand razor for the remainder and on the sensitive areas. (Electric razors tend to pull hair, and they are most annoying on genitals.) Some people swear by waxing (using sticky wax to pull hair out) or by other non-shaving methods of hair removal; to each their own. Shaving can be part of a scene; I've seen many gay-male SM movies with big male tops forcibly shaving their prisoners, and I've also seen dominatrixes washing then shaving their bottom's asses. (It's hard to reach back there yourself, and being bound while a razor GENTLY strokes your most sensitive region is... well... VERY intense!)

Then once they're shaven, you can go on to all sorts of other fun. Shaving does increase sensitivity definitely, but I think it has a lot to do with the area suddenly being made exposed and unprotected by hair.

CROSSDRESSING
About crossdressing: many men enjoy dressing in female clothes, either because the clothes feel good, look good, or are humiliating to wear. Whatever the reason, there's no doubt that lots of people enjoy this sort of thing. Make-up is often part of this sort of play, as well. Many women also enjoy dressing up as men; switching gender roles can open up a vast range of possibilities. Some people call this "gender- fuck"--i.e. fucking with one's perceptions of gender, or fucking someone who's assuming a different gender, or both. There is a spectrum of attitudes among those who play like this. Some just enjoy wearing opposite-sex clothes because they feel nice. Some fantasise about actually being a person of the opposite sex, and use those fantasies in their scenes. Some people want to take it to the point of going out in public dressed as, and acting like, the other gender so accurately that they pass--i.e. are mistaken for the gender that they're assuming.

They may find doing this enjoyable because of the fun in faking people out, and/or the thrill of successfully transforming oneself into one's fantasy image. Some people actually feel that their biological sex is fundamentally at odds with the gender they feel themselves to be. They may feel like a man who happened to be born with a woman's body, or vice versa. These people are known as transsexuals, and may have operations to change their bodies and genitals to more closely correspond to the gender they most identify with. Transsexuals are still very widely stigmatised; it is not easy to live in this very gender-based and sex-role-oriented society if you don't conform to the standard pattern, and transsexuals definitely do not. And while many of the kinds of genderfuck I mentioned are "play", transsexuals are not playing; their gender identity is a vitally serious issue to them. (Though when they want to play, there are few people who know more about it.

It's important to realise that these groups of people are distinct; just because a man enjoys wearing panties underneath his business suit does not mean he has any desire to get a sex change operation. As with all aspects of human sexuality, gender and gender play encompasses a wide array of levels, and honest communication is the only way to know what a particular person is into. Gender play can be combined with all the other things in this list to create some extraordinarily powerful sex magick. As always, listen to your desires, decide how much you actually want to make real (and how quickly), communicate, and play!

Is BDSM insane, unnatural or degrading?
Often people approach BDSM with nothing but negative stereotypes in their mind. The will less slave dominated by the overbearing thoughtless master. The pervert who enjoys being hit because he thinks he deserves no better. These images, negatively charged with connotations of abuse, do not reflect the reality of consensual BDSM. First, were BDSM people abused as children? This is a common stereotype. Straw polls of people seems to indicate no particular pattern of abuse, and there have been very few, if any, scientific studies of the question. Some people see an increased correlation, but there is little actual evidence.

This stereotype is usually just assumed to be true, as an expression of BDSM negativity--"Oh, anyone who likes that must have been really damaged as a kid." Similar claims were once widely made about homosexuals and homosexuality. In general, in fact, no one seems to have any idea of why some people enjoy BDSM behaviours or fantasies, and others don't. Rather like no one really knows what determines sexual orientation, or preferred body type, or much of anything else where human sexuality is concerned.

The notion of a "normal" sexuality is widely overrated... the range of variations is incredible. Once you actually look at people who are involved in BDSM, and at what they do, you realise that what is actually happening is a powerful expression of love, which expands into sensual realms outside the ordinary. True BDSM is consensual, strengthening, and sustaining; true degradation is not. Therein lies the difference, and it is truly an all importan



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